My Life So Far....

Hello Dearest,

It is now 3.01am on a Tuesday morning, 24th April on the year of 2012. The year they said the World would end. Everyone is anticipating how the world will end.

Yeah, the End will come. Every Religions Holy Books mentioned the World will End,but nobody knows when the exact date it is going to be. Only Allah knows. All the hints and indications are here.Are we really ready? Am I ready?

Dearest Love,

Since the last time I was here, I have aged another year. I'm in my 34th years now. Another year gone by and as at today, I haven't turned the RM1 to RM1million. I have not found the right method nor the ingredients to create the special portion. Since,I have only been merely surviving my day to day life. I am still the same old me.

So far, the difference between my 33rd and my 34th year, I still own a job. I own a motorbike courtesy of my sister, i have been in an relationship, out of the relationship and I have started a brand new relationship. Yes, it does sound like a broken record, but that's my life.

Sayang,

I am happier now. Even though I am still not satisfied with my life achievement but I am living it and facing it with more matured thinking and rational mind. I have learned to love,myself a little bit more. I put myself first before anyone else. I start to put more concern to my own health than I did before. I have the Will of wanting to live longer. I am no have the reason why.

After so long searching for love, I have gotten sick and tired of looking for the One. I have prayed to Allah to let the One to come tome. I will not search no more. Recently, that had happened. Since I was a little girl, I knew, I am different. I have no feelings for the opposite gender. I have been searching for someone I could call my own, from  the same gender. I know this is wrong and against my Religion, but I can never lie to myself.

At the age of 13, I found what most people called First Love. The person is 2 year older, a senior at my school. MM was my first love, but it was just one sided, MM loves me just like a sister and more. I was been true to my 1st Love for 8 years until she got married and it ended then. MM is half Chinese, she has all llthe criteria I am looking for, sweet smile, soft feature, soft spoken and manja.

My heart was empty for quite sometime till I met NH. I met her through my best friend. Achik was pursuing NH and asked me to be a chaperon at that time. I didn't know that NH had a feeling for me. After Cherating, NH had become my Love. It lasted for 2 year of roller coaster ride. It has been so long since I last heard about NH, I do wish that she is happy now.

After NH, I had few scandals here and there but none of them worked out. One day I decided to advertised myself in Myspace's PLU group page. SEMZ answered my ad. SEMZ and I have a lot of common friends, We used to work at a same place but never gotten to know each other then. SEMZ was totally not the criteria I look for, but I still fall in love with her. I have learned to love her for who she is and ignore the flaws.We moved in together and it last for 3 years of emotional roller coaster ride. Within the 3 years we were together, we broke up 2 times because of the same person and finally the 3rd time I said "Uncle". The breakup left me so shaken up, I couldn't functioned for a while. I lost a place I called home and my focus in life. SEMZ in a way has thought me a lot about life.

6 months after SEMZ, I felt so alone and I started looking again. I found NFN in a Social Network Website, OneLoveNet. She was way too young, but I could stop falling in love. Again I have found someone who doesn't fit my criteria. NFN is 13 years younger, but when I met her, she doesn't act like her age. NFN has changed me,I used to be very patience and calm person but I have become agitated and stressful person with her. She managed to burst my tolerance level and she had make me shouted and cursed. It last for a year, the shortest relation I had so far and I think NFN still consider us as a couple. I have laid it out to her nicely that we can never be together again,I hope she will finally understand and accept it that we are over.

Chenta,

I believe Allah has answered my prayers. Recently Love has came and looked for me. Without me knowing there is someone who is watching me from far and hope to have me in her life. She knew I had someone and she waited anyway. She has waited for more than 1 year and a half. Tirelessly she tried to approach me and patiently trying to get my attentions. I have been ignoring her as I was looking and I  am in a relationship. I'm not the type of person who can have 2 or 3 love at the same time. Thank God, she never backed out.

It touches me to finally know that she willing to do anything just to have me in her heart. She never had BlackBerry but willing to get one just because I told her it would be easier to communicate if she has one. She finally gotten one yet still I ignored her. She would contact me through BBM and FB chat from time to time, I have always treated her as a friend. Finally, by end of February, after she knew I am no longer with NFN, she gathered all the courage she has to finally admit her want me in her life via BBM. I noticed I have had her phone number for so long but I have never called her. When I put the first call, she didn't dare to answer.According to her, she was so shocked and couldn't believed that I am responding to her. And the rest is history.

NH has all the criteria I have been looking for. She is Chinese-looked, wears spectacle, tall and slim, sweet smile, soft spoken, witty and could understand my jokes, and she is my age. NH has all thing I want in a partner,but this is not an easy sailing relationship. NH is based in Kuching, thousand miles away, separated by the South China Sea. I cannot hold her in my arms every night, I cannot kiss her every time I wake up and I cannot stroke her hairs each time before I sleep. What we have is what we called PJJ "Percintaan Jarak Jauh". I could only see her face to face maybe 3-4 times a year, but we compensate with seeing each other every night before bedtime via online Video Chat. We have to make do with that for now. Thank you Allah for bringing her to me. I am much happier now and I have stronger Will to live now than I had before and I know that she loves me so much as I do her.

Sayang,

Don;t worry love, I know nothing last in this World. I know that what I have with her, forever is not a sure thing. I will hold her in my heart as long as I live. She will be my Last Love, there will be no more after her. I rather die alone the to go looking for love again if i were to lose her. I love her so much and forever I will love her even if she has stopped loving me. Thank you NH for your patience and determinations. I will not let it go to waste.

Kaseh,

Somehow I feel my life is almost complete. I just need to work my ass out to achieve my goals. Nothing will stop me now. I want to be at the top so much now and I know now who will be with meat the top apart from my beloved family. I can see the full picture now crystal clear. NH will definitely be there beside me. Thank you, Sayang.

That's it. Enough for now, till we meet again, love. take care and be good. Assalamualaikum...,

The one never stopped remembering and bothering you forever,
Edd Ardee Abdul Razak
24/12/2012