My Life So Far....

Hello Dearest,

It is now 3.01am on a Tuesday morning, 24th April on the year of 2012. The year they said the World would end. Everyone is anticipating how the world will end.

Yeah, the End will come. Every Religions Holy Books mentioned the World will End,but nobody knows when the exact date it is going to be. Only Allah knows. All the hints and indications are here.Are we really ready? Am I ready?

Dearest Love,

Since the last time I was here, I have aged another year. I'm in my 34th years now. Another year gone by and as at today, I haven't turned the RM1 to RM1million. I have not found the right method nor the ingredients to create the special portion. Since,I have only been merely surviving my day to day life. I am still the same old me.

So far, the difference between my 33rd and my 34th year, I still own a job. I own a motorbike courtesy of my sister, i have been in an relationship, out of the relationship and I have started a brand new relationship. Yes, it does sound like a broken record, but that's my life.

Sayang,

I am happier now. Even though I am still not satisfied with my life achievement but I am living it and facing it with more matured thinking and rational mind. I have learned to love,myself a little bit more. I put myself first before anyone else. I start to put more concern to my own health than I did before. I have the Will of wanting to live longer. I am no have the reason why.

After so long searching for love, I have gotten sick and tired of looking for the One. I have prayed to Allah to let the One to come tome. I will not search no more. Recently, that had happened. Since I was a little girl, I knew, I am different. I have no feelings for the opposite gender. I have been searching for someone I could call my own, from  the same gender. I know this is wrong and against my Religion, but I can never lie to myself.

At the age of 13, I found what most people called First Love. The person is 2 year older, a senior at my school. MM was my first love, but it was just one sided, MM loves me just like a sister and more. I was been true to my 1st Love for 8 years until she got married and it ended then. MM is half Chinese, she has all llthe criteria I am looking for, sweet smile, soft feature, soft spoken and manja.

My heart was empty for quite sometime till I met NH. I met her through my best friend. Achik was pursuing NH and asked me to be a chaperon at that time. I didn't know that NH had a feeling for me. After Cherating, NH had become my Love. It lasted for 2 year of roller coaster ride. It has been so long since I last heard about NH, I do wish that she is happy now.

After NH, I had few scandals here and there but none of them worked out. One day I decided to advertised myself in Myspace's PLU group page. SEMZ answered my ad. SEMZ and I have a lot of common friends, We used to work at a same place but never gotten to know each other then. SEMZ was totally not the criteria I look for, but I still fall in love with her. I have learned to love her for who she is and ignore the flaws.We moved in together and it last for 3 years of emotional roller coaster ride. Within the 3 years we were together, we broke up 2 times because of the same person and finally the 3rd time I said "Uncle". The breakup left me so shaken up, I couldn't functioned for a while. I lost a place I called home and my focus in life. SEMZ in a way has thought me a lot about life.

6 months after SEMZ, I felt so alone and I started looking again. I found NFN in a Social Network Website, OneLoveNet. She was way too young, but I could stop falling in love. Again I have found someone who doesn't fit my criteria. NFN is 13 years younger, but when I met her, she doesn't act like her age. NFN has changed me,I used to be very patience and calm person but I have become agitated and stressful person with her. She managed to burst my tolerance level and she had make me shouted and cursed. It last for a year, the shortest relation I had so far and I think NFN still consider us as a couple. I have laid it out to her nicely that we can never be together again,I hope she will finally understand and accept it that we are over.

Chenta,

I believe Allah has answered my prayers. Recently Love has came and looked for me. Without me knowing there is someone who is watching me from far and hope to have me in her life. She knew I had someone and she waited anyway. She has waited for more than 1 year and a half. Tirelessly she tried to approach me and patiently trying to get my attentions. I have been ignoring her as I was looking and I  am in a relationship. I'm not the type of person who can have 2 or 3 love at the same time. Thank God, she never backed out.

It touches me to finally know that she willing to do anything just to have me in her heart. She never had BlackBerry but willing to get one just because I told her it would be easier to communicate if she has one. She finally gotten one yet still I ignored her. She would contact me through BBM and FB chat from time to time, I have always treated her as a friend. Finally, by end of February, after she knew I am no longer with NFN, she gathered all the courage she has to finally admit her want me in her life via BBM. I noticed I have had her phone number for so long but I have never called her. When I put the first call, she didn't dare to answer.According to her, she was so shocked and couldn't believed that I am responding to her. And the rest is history.

NH has all the criteria I have been looking for. She is Chinese-looked, wears spectacle, tall and slim, sweet smile, soft spoken, witty and could understand my jokes, and she is my age. NH has all thing I want in a partner,but this is not an easy sailing relationship. NH is based in Kuching, thousand miles away, separated by the South China Sea. I cannot hold her in my arms every night, I cannot kiss her every time I wake up and I cannot stroke her hairs each time before I sleep. What we have is what we called PJJ "Percintaan Jarak Jauh". I could only see her face to face maybe 3-4 times a year, but we compensate with seeing each other every night before bedtime via online Video Chat. We have to make do with that for now. Thank you Allah for bringing her to me. I am much happier now and I have stronger Will to live now than I had before and I know that she loves me so much as I do her.

Sayang,

Don;t worry love, I know nothing last in this World. I know that what I have with her, forever is not a sure thing. I will hold her in my heart as long as I live. She will be my Last Love, there will be no more after her. I rather die alone the to go looking for love again if i were to lose her. I love her so much and forever I will love her even if she has stopped loving me. Thank you NH for your patience and determinations. I will not let it go to waste.

Kaseh,

Somehow I feel my life is almost complete. I just need to work my ass out to achieve my goals. Nothing will stop me now. I want to be at the top so much now and I know now who will be with meat the top apart from my beloved family. I can see the full picture now crystal clear. NH will definitely be there beside me. Thank you, Sayang.

That's it. Enough for now, till we meet again, love. take care and be good. Assalamualaikum...,

The one never stopped remembering and bothering you forever,
Edd Ardee Abdul Razak
24/12/2012

2012 is Just 'Round the Corner

Dear Love,


How are you doing? I do hope you are being the same old you. The cheerful lass I've known so well. Always keep that up, Love.


Sayang,


I am standing here now turning myself 360 degrees, looking at my surrounding and trying to contemplate what are actually happening in this world today. So many things happening at one time. everyone is walking in fast pace and not stopping to say "hello" anymore. As if they are running forward and afraid to look backward to the past. Is this right?


Dearest,


I have been thought not to look back at the past and always look forward. The past is still the past and history couldn't repeat itself. I do have second thoughts of the teaching. I always believe that we still have to look back and see where we have been in order to plan a better future. The past is the essence who made us who we are today, and the person we are today will become the history in the future. We have to look back and study the history in order to create a better history for our future.


Hunny,


In the past, I was not a successful person. As I am standing here today, I still do not owned any car or house for that matter. I still have not managed to turn the RM1 to RM1 millions. Many would say I am way behind, reaching my 34th year and still have nothing to call my own. But that would not stop me, Love. I am determined to grab all I can and I will knock on opportunities' doors even before they come knocking at my door. 


Dearest,


I still have another year to go before I am 35. My personal benchmark, my goals. I am praying hard and working hard to achieve all my goals not to satisfy anyone other than myself. I am a high achiever, I am a high climber, I strive and I work smart to gain what I want and I know I will always get what I want. It's just matter of time. I believe Allah will reward me of my patience and my determinations.


Dearest Sayang,


I can't wait for the day I am standing tall among the people who always looked down on me now. I can't wait for the day when I will be the savior and me helping other than me crying for help. Till the time comes, I will not stop running and soaring to the place I belong and long to be... Now is the time to look back at my bucket lists and plan my future, as I am about to create a new history for me to look back and smile, let's say...another 5 years time.


Baby,


These are my wishes for 2012:


1. I will own a car
2. New BlackBerry Bold 4.
3. MacBook Air
4. I will own a house.
5. I will be on board of the Alaska Cruise
6. Fulfilling all my bucket lists.


I have to go now, Love. Till I see you again. I do hope 2011 has been good to you and the coming 2012 will bring you the things you have always wished for. Please remember that I will always love you and I will always be the one who run to and expect to you to embrace me with love.




The one who never have you out from the heart,
Edd Ardee

The Come Back of The Wandering Soul

Hello Dearest,

It has been so long since I’ve last visited you. How are you? Have you been well since?  I have been so busy with nothing, but lots of things happened and I was down and I’ve gotten right back up again. Now, everything is back on track, even though there are obstacles and bumpy roads and still more ahead.

Love,

I missed coming here. I’ve been away too long and I’ve a lot of clusters in my head that need to be cleared.  Somehow or rather, I missed my old life, I missed the friends and the times when I was happy being me. I am myself now, but I feel incomplete. I feel as if something is missing, but I don’t know what it is.

My Dearest,

Sometimes I feel it is hard to be me. Sometimes I feel like taking a persona and not being me. I can lie to anyone but I could never lie to myself.  I am going through my 33^rd year and heading to my 34^th year soon, and guess what? I still have nothing much to show and I could never say I am there yet. I do have a life, I am surviving but barely.

Sayang,

I, sometime feel so alone. Even though, I am surrounded by people day by day. I missed my friends, I missed my old friends but I am ashamed to go and meet and greet them again as I feel I have nothing still. I always feel I am not worthy of a friend. These might be the reason why I always making new friends along the way but losing my old ones.

Dinda,

Don’t you worry about me, Sayang. I know I am a strong person. I’ve been through this before and I survived and I can do it again. I am very much happy with my current job, the job that I have left it more than a year ago and I am back to do it again. I believe this is my niche that I have been searching for. This is where I can be myself and I see myself reaching for my goals. I have not achieved all of my 2011 wish list but I am going to have it all in 2012. Pray with me, Love!!

Dearest,

I miss you and I will always love you no matter what. Please grant me your forgiveness as I am in need of it. I will not promise you I will give you the sun, the moon or will I make the earth stand still for you. But I can promise you this, I will be a much better person and I will shine again even brighter as loving you make me want to be the greatest person you have ever known.

Enough of my nonsense now, Love. I thank you for being such a good listener as always. Thank you again for understanding that I am yet a human and I do have feelings. I shall see you again with good news and sharing my happiness in the future, as my thoughts would only be happy thoughts.

Have a good life My Dearest, Please take a good care of yourself, and always be happy and grateful of what you have. I am grateful that I am still alive and I am grateful with all the huddles in life that Allah given me.  I know, Allah will only test the person who Allah knows could handle it…

I shall see you soon love, meanwhile be assured that I will always be the one who will come running back to you and I will come running with the pots of gold… InsyaAllah.

Assalamualaikum….

What's Happening?

Dearest Love,

What is happening? I am confused... What is going on in this world? Is the world now full of insanity? It is a very very crazy world.

Love,
In the past 24 hours I have been in and out of a relationship few times. Now, I am not too sure whether I am attached or I have become single.... hmmmm...

Love,
How do you really measure the love of the person has for you? Poets would compare it with the sky, ocean, rain drops...all of those elements are becoming too cliché. How do we measure the amount of love we have received or given is up to the standard? What's the standard?

Love,
I believe in love. I believe I am capable of receiving and giving love. I would never promise the skies, oceans nor raindrops. All I could promise is that, I have a whole heart and I am willing to share half of it with you. I have a lonely soul that is still waiting for the promised mate to dance together till the last breath. I have all my life to be devoted to the ONE.

Love,
I will always be waiting for you. I am standing in a crowded space with my hands high up in the air waving at you. Can't you see me love? I am the one holding out half of my heart as an offering to you. Yes, Love...that's me.

Love,
I will be waiting...even for forever. I miss holding you in my arms, I miss stroking your hair, I miss you so much. No worry Love. This half of my heart belongs only to you. I promise....

Take care, Love. I will be visiting again soon...ILYSM n IMYSM HHN....

Yours forever,
The One Who Is Confused But Still So Much In Love.....
Edd Ardee

New Year New Journey

Dearest Love,

I miss you. I hope this 2011 will be more meaningful for all of us. I have been out of my writing moods hence no post for quite sometimes.

Have you finally achieved what have you planned for 2010? Or are you going to achieve it by this mysterious yet glorious 2011? I have achieved few and I have set new goals for this year. I would make sure my dreams are turn to reality before I am 35. I am taking a step at a time before I am going for the giant leap.

Love,

I am turning 33 this year. I am still yet to turn the RM1 to RM1 million. I am still searching for the formulas and ways of making it. I have ruled out bank robberies and selling drugs as the vehicles. I want it to be clean money so it would last longer and I won’t have to answer to Allah in Padang Mahsyar.

Everyday everywhere people are getting rich. Riches and prosperities are abundance, and waiting for any one of us to go and grab it. The Secret thought us to think positive and think we deserve to have it. The Law of Attraction says, we are the magnet, we will attract anything…therefore why don’t start attracting wealth and health.

At the very beginning of 2011, I am down with fever, flu and sore throat. What a way to celebrate the brand new year.  Well, it has only been 4 days since it began and a lot more to come. Let’s not waste any, OK, Love?

Dearest,

This year I am implementing a different approach. Embracing and approaching it with the New ME. Wish me luck, Love. I will keep you posted with the journey. Till we meet again. Take a good care of yourself Love.

Yours truly,

The One who never forget you…

Sempurna.....

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

[Reff:]
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

[Reff:]
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

This song gives a very deep meaning, even though the lyrics may not make sense. How can a person be blood running thru one’s veins. How can a person be one’s heart, read between the line.

I could feel the singer is crying to the one he or she loved, the meaning of the loved one existence in his or her life. Let me reflect this to my life.

I have been out of love for quite sometimes. I was all lonely but surviving with family and friends surround me. I have been searching for new love and it took me a while to finally found the One. I once thought my ex was the One. I was holding to the littlest hope and on a very thin thread I called love. We once were so much in love and in the end we fell out of love. I do cherished the moments we had but I would not turn back, I would let all the fondest and sweetest moments remain as memories. To relive all that would be very beautiful and would lift my spirit up, but with all that there are pains and hurts as well.

Not long ago, I have found new love. Some may say it is too soon. It may be just a rebound. After I have tried my hand at courting M and failed, some may say I am just desperate for someone. I assure you not. I have finally found someone. The person may, may not be the ultimate One, but the person is perfect for me.

In this person I could see a little bit of my past exes. All the best and pleasant traits I am looking in a partner. This new person completes all bit and pieces. This new person is sempurna!

Sayang,

You are my life, you are my heart.  You are the blood that runs through my veins, without you my life is not complete. You are the reason I want to live and to conquer all my fears and stand strong to protect us both.  You are my strength, without you I may wobble and fall. Please stay in my heart, hingga hujung nyawa….

What's on My Mind

Dearest Love,

Hye! How are u? I miss u....I do hope I am not disturbing ur day. How are u doing since I last saw u?

Love,
Today I have just finished reading a Malay Novel, Wasilah Cinta Weera. I would rate it as one of the best Malay Novel I have read so far. I can't remember the writer's name but the storyline had managed to capture my attention and desire to read it till the end.

The story begins with a guy named Weera, He is so pure and honest, the kind of guy a mother would love to have. He is a loving, caring and no nonsense man. Weera has a guy friend, Ray and they were mistaken as gay partners. Everyone would see their closeness as sensual, but no one could really understand the love they had for each other was the love our Nabi Muhammad SAW had toward his good friends. It was a platonic relationship, love without any sexual feelings.

The story has made me shed my tears and moved my heart. I cried while I was reading it. Last I had cried when I was reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hossaini. The scarifies made by Weera when he had salvaged what's left of Sari Ayu's pride and dignity, when he decided to quit his job to take care of Ray when was bedridden with incurable disease were only one could imagine of.. When nemesis, Firdaus spread rumours and slandered him, Weera faced it with grade and patience of a saint.

The ending is simple, but meaningful. I have enjoyed reading it. If all humankind in this world have the pure heart as Weere, I believe there would be no war and no children would died hungry in war stricken countries. There will be no hate only love. On a second thought, if world only filled with love no hate or the 7 deadly sins, living on earth would be very dull. Hmmmm....

Love,
What say u? Life with no ups and downs, a monotonous day to day life be very hard to live by....no challenges.... I craved for challenges, it will make my mind grow and make wiser. Yeah, u may think that I am crazy. Maybe I am....

Love,
I have to say good bye for now, till we meet again. Do take care. I will find time to say hye whenever I could.

The one who is always thinking of u,
Edd Ardee